Reflecting - Why it Matters

 Lessi Varaveti!

One thing I realized today was that my outlook and internal dialogue has shifted hugely in the last eight or so years. I used to spend time with friends who I knew cared about me, who I cared about, too, but secretly wondered Why they cared. Why they enjoyed my presence, and Why they kept saying they loved me. 

I started seeing a therapist years ago, and I can't tell you just how much it helped. One of the things my therapist taught me is that, if people keep saying something, maybe they're on to something. Maybe I really am loved and cared about for who I am. Maybe people actually like the weirdo that I am.

It took a long time, but looking at today, I am so much weirder, much happier, and I know people care about me. The internal anxiety about why these amazing people would even bother spending time with me has turned into a fierce affection and desire to protect my chosen family from anyone who might be rude or insulting. (I didn't know I was so protective of my people, but apparently, the confident-in-herself-Vivienne won't stand by if her people are being treated badly.)

The point of today's post, though, is that sometimes reflection can show you just how far you've come. My therapist sometimes listens to me saying that I don't feel like I'm getting anywhere, and tells me that I really have come a long way from my first session with them. It was a huge encouragement, and I'm so grateful that I have people who help me see my accomplishments for what they are.

Sometimes you have to see where you are, and look back at where you started to see that you have made progress. Progress doesn't look the same for everyone--so don't believe society's lies that forward progress is the only progress. Keep going. It's worth it. 

💜💜💜 

What's an accomplishment for you that people had to point out? (For me, it was publishing a book. Sometimes I forget how big that is.)

Till next time!

~Love, Viv

(Picture from Byron Dazey)

Anxiety Vs Writing - Who Will Win?

 Lessi Varaveti!

If you're a writer, you likely have encountered this problem: wanting to write, but being afraid of it not being perfect. Well, look at it this way. 

Say you have a child of your own, or a nephew or niece, or a little kiddo that you interact with often. They draw you a picture, and it's all scribbly and not technical and completely inaccurate. Do you tell them that? Of course not! They're learning how to draw, and they made you something out of their affection for you. We can't look at that and judge it, because we know they're just getting started. 

So why can't we have that attitude towards ourselves? Yeah, your first draft of a short story is going to be simple (and probably terrible, when you read it eight years later) but you have to start somewhere. Embrace the chaos. Write knowing that you're filling in an empty notebook with something that will improve over time. 

Sculptors and potters take raw material and shape it into something beautiful. As writers, we're doing that with words. It's harder and takes longer than creating a porcelain bowl, but it has to start with the raw materials. 

I love challenging myself to write 50,000 words in 30 days. Yes, the challenge is insane! But it gets me started, and keeps me going. I have a month full of writing, and a community of people who're also writing a book. Finishing the draft at all is a huge accomplishment because you have more than you started with, and now you have the raw materials to reshape and play with.

If you struggle with anxiety like me, tell yourself that the first draft is supposed to be messy. It doesn't have to be linear, it doesn't have to make sense, but it has to give you something to play with later. That's all. 

As we go into the weekend, for you writers: happy writing, play with the chaos! And if you're not a writer, whatever creative endeavors make you happy, remember that it doesn't have to be perfect. 

💜💜💜

Love, Viv

(and her cute little dragons who believe in you!)

Time for A Break?

 Lessi Varaveti!

Alright! Who's ready for the weekend? Me too! Anyone ready for the chaos of ADHD? Well, who ever is? Sadly, I don't get time off from my mental illnesses. I can't tell you how badly I'd love a break. Moving on, though, here's something you may not have thought of. 

What if we gave ourselves a break? I'm not talking vacation (even though vacay is awesome!), but rather, taking breaks with various things. If you're easily overwhelmed, like I am, it's difficult to find a way to control the things overwhelming us because often it's outside factors. Hey, I need you to do this around the house. Hey, have you seen the remote? Hey, have you sent that email you were supposed to send half a month ago? 

And so forth. There's so much! All the time! How do we control it? Well...we can't. We can try to mitigate our reactions, though. No, it's not easy. One way I do this is by making a to-do list, and separating things into Today, Tomorrow, or later this week. Sometimes, I'm so overwhelmed that it starts sending me into a downward spiral. To counter that, sometimes journaling helps get everything out of my head. Often that helps me reorganize my thoughts and feel less overwhelmed.

Another trick is to recognize when the overwhelm is too much, and to make yourself take a break. It can be something as simple as taking a shower, getting some food, or walking into the kitchen to make some tea. the ritual of making yourself a drink is rather soothing, and often helps loosen up that tension.

Sometimes you gotta spend the evening playing a chill video game, or watching a TV show you've been meaning to watch, and get to the list the next day. Don't judge yourself for that. It helps give your body a physical break, as well as a mental break. 

After all, there's a reason kids in school get recess.

💜

Love, Viv

**artwork done by yours truly**

Is it Meds or is My Brain Just Happy?

Lessi Varaveti!

 For the past few days, I've been happily working on a a writing project, but half the time I don't know if my steady progress has been because of my innate tendency for hyperfocus, or if it's from the new meds I'm on. These meds are to help me focus, but they're short-term acting, meaning they last for about 4-6 hours. 

My project started with rereading the chaotic first draft of the story, which...I technically hadn't quite finished. It needed a proper ending. By the time I got to it, I was able to figure out how to wrap it up, and was remembering how much I liked the story. The characters are fun, and some are...intensely stubborn. And while the story had some really good bones, it still needed some help. 

So, after rereading the entire story, and cleaning it up for some friends to read, I let my brain take a break. That was a mistake, apparently. Having had a taste of a project, but not actively working on something, I ended up bored and restless. So I started up a new Scrivener project (writing program designed by and for authors), and started worldbuilding.

Now, every time I sit down to work on the story, it's hard to tell if my 4k words a day is from the focusing meds, or because I'm so excited to have something to work on. This second version of the story is turning out much more detailed, much richer, and I'm quite pleased. Regardless of the meds, I'm happy to have something to work on that takes up so much energy. (I gotta use it somehow haha)

💜

What's your current project? 

~Love, Viv

The Struggles of Things and Stuff

 Lessi Varaveti!

As you may have noticed, last Friday, I didn't get my blog post out in time. Woops. ADHD makes life difficult sometimes. Often, when there's things that need to get done, it's incredibly difficult to actually do them. I'm going to attempt to explain why, to give you a little more info, but take this with the disclaimer than I don't speak for everyone with ADHD, though some of my experiences are more universal. (But remember, everyone with ADHD is different.)

There's a part of your brain that controls the Doing of things, called your Executive Function. I, and others like me, have what's called Executive DYSfunction. Basically, it's hard for me to start tasks or do things that need doing. It doesn't matter how important is it, sometimes I just can't get started. It's beyond frustrating. And now, to-do lists are not the answer. They help, but they often end up cluttering my desk and mental space. 

Sometimes, it's easy to do something one day, and impossible the next. Why? What changed? Often, nothing changed. My brain just said No. I'm not going to wax poetic, and go on and on about this, but it's not hopeless. There are things that help, like medication, therapy, and routines. Regardless, it definitely makes things more difficult for me and others with ADHD.

What's this have to do with writing, you might wonder. Why is Viv even talking about it?

I want to share my experiences because I've found that being vulnerable with people allows us to connect on a deeper level with others. Sometimes you discover someone also has similar struggles, and you can learn from each other, or help each other. Sometimes it means someone understands you better, now that you've opened up a bit.

If you get nothing else from today's post, hopefully this gives you a new perspective. Just know that, even though we drop things, dont complete tasks on time, forget to do things, we're still trying our best.

💜💜💜

Next time, I'll share more about the writing side of this, and some of the ways I manage (or attempt to manage😆) my ADHD.

Love, Viv

What's the deal with mental health?

Lessi varaveti!

Mental health and mental illness are two issues that society doesn't really like to talk about. However, I've noticed that when we're vulnerable with people about what we're really dealing with, nine times out of ten, we connect with people. We find out that they've also dealt with this issue, or they also have that mental illness, and they know how debilitating it can be.

It's not comfortable talking about your personal struggles, because often we feel like we're burdening others, or our experiences aren't important enough to talk about. But that's a lie that I've learning to ignore. We as humans have all kinds of struggles--no one gets through life without getting hurt in some way. Even if you never experience a mental illness, there's always something you can relate to with someone who does. 

I myself, deal with ADHD, depression, and anxiety every day. No matter how badly I wish I had a day off, I never do. Everyday is a struggle to get things done, to get up in the morning, and to remember to eat. A lot of the time, a standard day feels like I'm trying to get my five (hypothetical) cats into one room of the house, but every time I get one, another wanders off, or I can't find the void kitty, or the tabby is causing mischief and then suddenly it's the end of the day and I feel like I got nothing done.

What about you, what's a daily struggle for you?

💜

Love, Viv

(Pictured: my cozy grey kitty, one of the two fur babies in our house.)

What's so cool about writing?

Lessi varaveti!

So, Viv, why're we talking about writing? What's so cool about it? Writing, for me, has been an avenue for me to explore emotions and take myself on adventures to fantastical places. I have always loved reading, but writing gives me the chance to create, too. It isn't easy, but that's why I like it. If it were too easy, I'd get bored and drop it, or play with it halfheartedly. But because it requires so much time, mental energy, and focus, it makes my brain happy. It's rewarding to have something to read at the end of a draft--even if it's awful.

Learning to write a novel versus an essay, or a novella vs a short story keeps me going. Our brains like learning new things, and once we stop learning, our minds and bodies start to waste away. I don't really like the thought of that, and fortunately, I have a million stories in my head. 

For the past ten, eleven years, I've been writing novels. Before that, it was always short stories and essays. But once I discovered a global challenge about writing 50,000 words in 30 days, I fell in love. It was heckin hard! that's a lot of words, and trying to write a full length novel? Insane. I also tried this my first year at a 4 year university....while taking four classes. (Don't ask me how I wrote 50k words...I legitimately do not know.)

What is the best part about writing, though? The fact that writers pour themselves into a story. When you read a book, you read a work of art from someone's mind. If you think someone created that story without putting themselves, their emotions, their feelings into that story, you'd be wrong. As writers, we have to put ourselves into a story. It's the only way we can get ourselves to tackle the insane challenge of writing a book.

💜

Are you a writer? What do you write, and why?

Love, Viv